i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
