haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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