I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
