You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
