i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
