i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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