So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
