I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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