its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
