woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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