I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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