Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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