If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
