I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Be still, my beating vagina.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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