You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My first STD was from a foam party
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
