pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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