I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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