Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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