Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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