I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
