hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
