Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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