if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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