I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
