The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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