I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
