Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
