Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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