someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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