# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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