I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
