I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
