She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
