you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
