My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
