I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
