I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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