dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
