the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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