Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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