Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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