A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
