meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
