I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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