Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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