I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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