she woke up with a sticky ear
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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