Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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