False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
