Swine flu. Run for my life!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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