Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
